Struggling with HPPD

Assalamu alaikum WRWB. I’m making this post for 2 reasons. One, I’d like to ask for duas for shifa, and two, I’d like to spread awareness about the catastrophic effects of certain drugs, especially marijuana [active ingredient tetrahydrocannabinol(THC)] and magic mushrooms (active ingredient psylocybin, active metabolite psilocin).

I took magic mushrooms in 2021, and I’ve been on and off marijuana as well, astaghfirullah, and I’ve been hallucinating ever since (the mushroom trip). I’ve been to multiple doctors, explaining that things disappear from my vision, things start moving/swimming/breathing, I see tv static, there’s a deafening ringing in my ears I only get solace from when there are other noises in the environment to drown it out, etc etc, and they couldn’t tell me why. My PCP couldn’t help me so he referred me to others. ENT doctor said everything’s normal, eye doctor said everything’s normal, they checked my optic nerve and everything. I’d gotten an MRI before that as well and everything was fine. I found out less than two weeks ago that it’s hallucinogen persisting perceptive disorder (HPPD). I see negative afterimages of things that aren’t there anymore, I get starbursting when looking at something bright, and my night vision is gone because of heavy visual snow in the dark. Alhamdulillah the snow isn’t as bad in bright environments, but sensitivity to brightness takes its place, and these rainbow specks that move like fireflies come with it, along with floaters. Patterns (like checkered surfaces) go iridescent, and more patterns form inside those patterns like a classic hallucinogen trip, but without the part where it goes away. If I stare at a point long enough, like when I’m standing in salah, my entire field of vision slowly gets taken over by this TV static-like stuff (completely blocking what’s actually there, unlike visual snow), and it becomes a moving mural, or an abstract painting that’s constantly in motion. The prayer mat starts to warp, the lines appear and disappear from my vision, and the patterns do what patterns do.

This video shows what visual snow is like in the daytime, and this one shows what it’s like in the dark, for anyone interested, although the “grains” are a lot finer than the second one and more integrated with the dark. Even my cat looks like this to me unless we’re in a well-lit area

That wouldn’t be so bad on it’s own if it weren’t for the mental/emotional effects. I get depersonalization/derealization, which makes me lose touch with reality and forget who I am at times, although this symptom isn’t as consistent alhamdulillah, only when it gets really bad, which is usually when I fall into smoking marijuana again (which won’t happen again insha’Allah). I haven’t been able to sleep properly, and a week ago was really bad. I would check the time, and stay awake for what felt like hours, finally dozing off, and waking up after what felt like even more hours, only to check the time again and learn only 20 minutes - 2 hours MAX had passed, and I had to do the whole thing over again. There were nightmares too, and sometimes they would cross over into the real world. One time I literally jumped/ran out of bed screaming, and I thought the nightmare was becoming real. Imagine 20 minutes feeling like 8 hours, now imagine that for 8 hours straight. Since I wasn’t sleeping, days would blur together, and the confusion only made my symptoms worse and exacerbated the ADHD I’ve had since kindergarten, as well as the general brain fog that comes with HPPD.

If this kind of suffering and time dilation exists in this world imagine the torment of hell or even the grave, I don’t even want to spend one SECOND in jahannam. Ya Rabb, spare us and make us among those who you let into Jannah without account, Ameen.

I have a constant ringing in my ears, like the kind in movies after a hand grenade, but it doesn’t fade. This is called tinnitus. Sometimes I forget about it, when I’m in a noisy environment, but once I hear it again I start to focus on it, and it gets worse and worse until it’s deafening and it feel like my head’s about to explode.

I know it sounds like I’m complaining but I’m not, I’ve brought this upon myself and I accept the consequences of my actions. I’ve repented, and I want to be cured if it’s what’s best for me. People with HPPD are strongly advised to stay away from (almost) all drugs, including marijuana and even caffeine (which is hard because I take preworkout) so this takes things out of my hands, which is something I have to be thankful for.

Please you guys, stay away from drugs. I know everyone says it but many in the west have pushed this narrative that these two in particular, marijuana and mushrooms, are harmless and even good for you, but trust me, you don’t want to live like this. Ego death, “enlightenment”, and being “open to new experiences” sounds cool until you look into the mirror and a someone you don’t recognize stares back at you. Until your memories don’t feel like your own. Until you literally can’t remember who you are. There’s a reason Allah has forbidden these things for us. I can’t even explain the full extent of this disorder, in part from the brain fog/sleep deprivation and in part because a lot of this just can’t be explained in words, at least not with my vocabulary.

The technical percentage of people who develop HPPD after hallucinogenic drug use or marijuana is 4-4.5%, but the estimated percentage is much higher than that, around 20-50%. Most people either hide it or it gets misdiagnosed as schizophrenia, and they get put on antipsychotics. Antipsychotics like quetiapine actually make HPPD WORSE though. My old psychiatrist prescribed me quetiapine, which probably did make it worse. My new psychiatrist has prescribed me adderall for the ADHD, which, you guessed it, also made it worse. I remember taking a math test where I had to graph an equation for one of the questions, and the grid was moving. I tried over and over to count the squares but it just kept swimming, and I had to move a pencil along one line while counting how many times it crosses a perpendicular line. Had no idea why until now.

I know I brought this upon myself but please make dua for me. Ash-Shaafi, please heal the damage I’ve done to my brain and body if it’s what’s best for me, for there is no cure except that which you to give me, ameen.

May Allah grant you all Jannat Al Firdous and spare you from the punishment of jahannam and the grave, Ameen.

Assalamu alaikum WRWB