Comphet

TW - hocd or sexuality ocd

So I’m really stuck. I’ve had rocd for years, over half my relationship. Ever since I was a teen I’ve been attracted to both women and men (I’m a woman) I’ve only ever dated men, one man to be exact. Now I find out that comphet is a thing and I identify with every single thing on the list. I thought maybe my strange avoidance to sex was an anxiety thing because I’m always blocked by ‘this would feel better with a woman’ and now i don’t know i don’t know i don’t know. I’ve tried to accept that maybe I’m a lesbian and that I’m not attracted to men at all but I know that’s a lie? Sometimes it’s a lie. other times it feels true and I get relief because I wouldn’t have to deal with the anxiety of it all anymore and could satisfy the groinal responses I’ve started having which are new? Last night I had a conversation with my partner and he told me that if I’m a lesbian that’s fine and we can break up - he said it so so calmly because he’s so convinced it’s hocd. I feel sick to my stomach every time the thoughts circle around and then relived for a moment when i indulge in them and say ‘ok’ i am a lesbian it all adds up and then intense guilt and shame and fear of leaving my partner so i then reassure myself and say ‘it’s ocd’ and then i check and i feel this definite sadness at missing out on ‘the real me’ and what I’m supposed to be doing / feeling. The comphet thing talks about codependency and so my brain has come to the conclusion that if i ever get the courage to, I’ll leave and be a lesbian. :(