My mom called me ch@kka cause I don't fastings and don't follow various gods rigorously . So I said bad thing about her too but now I want to apologise to her.

I HATE HATE HATEE MONDAYSS. My dad stays at home, they fight all day because of his alcohol drinking, my mom takes out the anger on me or sometimes my dad does it. My dad acts funny or laughs with me only when he's drunk. I don't like it anymore. I thought today is gonna be like any other Monday. Look, I follow god, I respect them, I do pujas sometimes and fasting too (most of the time which is forced upon me) but it's not as meaningful to me as it is to my mom. The bhakti doesn't really come out from my heart and sometimes I feel a little sad why I'm not able to feel emotional or attached to god as my other friends or cousins she compares. But I hate it when she tries to force those beliefs on me and insults me for not believing those stuff but anyways what happened today was:

I woke up 9:00 in the morning, my mom scolded me a little for waking up late and then we made a little joke about something and we were laughing. And then I went to mop the house, then my mom got a call from my aunt talkin' about yesterday's match and then the conversation shifted to fasting and stuff cause it's Ekadasi today and all of my aunt's family are fasting today. So, my mom into the room which I was cleaning and started yelling loudly, "Oh R is also fasting today, that is so great, she is so religious and good."(R is a sister a year younger than me). I was a little annoyed by that and I just whispered to her, "And what about it?".

After the call ended, she started shouting at me because she was soo soo embarrassed and ashamed that she couldn't say the same thing about her daughter to my aunt. I then told her, maybe she should have accepted the truth and told her that I don't fastings. She told me, "I would rather die than tell them such a shameless thing, log kya kahenge?". At this point we were having a heated argument about the fasting and being religious. But then she went on to say, " Oh Maybe because you're a ch@kka or h!jra no boy or no girl that is why you don't feel anything about them, i shouldn't have given birth you and killed you or it would have been I was infertile".

She said this exact same thing, no exaggeration, no lies. Tbh I didn't really think much about it, cause this isn't the first time I heard her say such a vile thing to me. And but then she also went ahead and told me how I don't do any part time jobs or tuitions and on the other hand my cousin sister, they all give tuitions and are earning quite a pocket money for themselves and I'm good for nothing. That's when I snapped and I wrongfully said to her, "What are you bringing to this house? My A friend's mom is working and helping her husband, why not go and earn money yourself". After saying that, I realised I made such a hugee mistake, I shouldn't have said that, that's my fault, I wanna apologize but I can't seem too. How much more can I endure her tantrums? I feel said and hurt sometimes too, i don't like it at all. But my mom says, "Parents saying such thing to a child is all good, it's always for your good,, you can't just be sad about it, parents can say anything to their children and they have to take it." Now she's rumbling around the house, repeating the same thing I said to her and how disrespecting it is, I shouldn't have said such things a mother. Which is true, I shouldn't have said such things and now I wanna apologise to her but she isn't listening to me.

At the end of the day, I can't imagine my life without her in my life, I love her, she sometimes takes care of me too and actually advises good things sometimes but when this sides of her comes out, I hate it, I feel like running away but I can't help it. I feel like she doesn't like sometimes.

BUT ANYWAYS I will try to apologise to her genuinely and take everything back to normal. Thank you for reading.